My Visit with Chassity

To clear up the confusion...

Chassity is a young lady with Neuroblastoma. I have known her since she first started getting chemo 3 years ago. She and I have grown very close over the years. We have been email buddies, we've been entertainment buddies in the hospital, and at times I've been her therapist, her caregiver, and her surrogate best friend. I've spent more time keeping her company than I have any other kid I've worked with.

She relapsed last Spring and has been on hospice since August.

She has been getting progressively worse over the last few months. At one point in June, she was in a coma and the doctors thought she wasn't going to make it much longer. She got out of the coma... and had a pretty good summer... but since October she has had more and more difficulty with walking with movement with talking. As the cancer has been spreading, she is in more pain. When I saw her over Thanksgiving, she was limited to pain free movement in her left arm only. And she was having greater and greater difficulty talking.

When I posted on Wednesday, her Mom had called to tell me they were in the Hospital... and it was looking like this was going to be the last visit. Her kidneys are failing on her, she is getting platelets almost everyday, she is almost constantly out of it, she is unable to move herself, she is unable to really talk, and she doesn't seem to respond to people that well.

So....

I had a chance to visit with Chassity tonight.

I had decided that I was going to come up early so that I could spend some time with her. The doctors are thinking that she is going to pass this weekend. And I wanted to get some time with her while she might still be kind of together.

So, I drove up… I’ve been kind of a zombie since I got the news that she was in the hospital for what was likely to be her last stay… I think my brain went into emotional shock.

But as I started driving… I think the full weight of why I was on the road started to hit me… and I began to cry… and I couldn’t stop… It was probably a good hour as I pulled into Fredericksburg for gas before I finally stopped.

And my heart kept getting heavier and heavier as I got closer.

But when I walked into the room… She woke up for me.

And I got a big smile… followed by a bunch of small ones.

And all of the weight began to lift… and all that was left… was a clarity of purpose… and I knew I needed to be here...

She’s not really completely with it at the moment. Between the medicine and the cancer, she’s unable to really talk. And for the most part, when she opens her eyes, she doesn’t really seem to be focusing in on anything.

But I got a lot out of her. From what I'm told, it was the most activity that she had shown all day.

Her Mother said she was jealous… but she also said that she thought Chass was kind of waiting for me.

At one point, her Mom pretended to be jealous and jokingly asked if she wanted her to leave, and Chass nodded yes. So Mom laughed and she left.

It’s amazing, because the one thing that I really prayed for on my way up was that I get to spend some time with her on my own… because it’s so awkward to say what’s at the bottom of your heart with a bunch of people watching you….

When I got there, she had a few relatives there… but they all kind of slowly left… and here I was… with the opportunity that I had been praying for…

And while we were alone… I got to tell her that I loved her. I got to tell her how proud of her I was. And I told her about how many families and different people she had had an impact on. I told her that there was hardly a single person who had met her, that did not walk away a better person. I told her that I would never forget her. I told her that there was always a special place for her in my heart. I told her that she was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met on this earth.

And she nodded for me, and then she started to try to say something… but it was tough for her to get the words out…

I tried to help her along, but she was having too much trouble and she was getting frustrated… and I think that breaks my heart the most with kids that are dying… is when they get to the end… and they want so much to be able to say and do things, but their bodies just won’t let them anymore… and so I told her that if she is trying to tell me that she cares for me or that she loves me or that she wants to thank me… that it was okay… I already knew… and that seemed to give her some comfort...

But there’s more…

You see over Thanksgiving weekend, this amazing young woman had asked me what I was going to say at her funeral… because she knew that I would be doing the eulogy… and she asked me if I was going to say anything about her Mom… and she wanted to make sure that her Mom got the acknowledgement that she deserved… for all of the sacrifices her Mom had made… for all of the work her Mom had put into taking care of her…

So, during my time alone with her, I told her that I would remember to tell everyone how thankful she was to her Mom… and tell everyone about all of the things that her Mom had done for her and how much she wished she could give her Mom everything in the world… and she nodded…

I asked her to look out for me… I asked her to say Hi to James, Dianne, Ryan, Edgar, Mark, Geraldine, Branden, and Michelle. I asked her to be my Guardian Angel.

And she looked at me with very big eyes and she nodded and reached for my hand…

And I thanked her... I thanked her for her friendship... I thanked her for teaching me so much about strength and what is truly important in life... I thanked her for allowing me to walk with her during this part of her journey...

I am so grateful that I got a chance to say these things…
I am so grateful that I got a chance to tell her how much I cared.
I am so grateful that I got to touch her face, that I got to hold her hand, that I got to kiss her forehead... because I know that a time is coming soon... when I won't get to do any of that...

To all of my friends who are reading this…
Please do me a favor…
Call someone you care about… and tell them that you love them…
Find someone you care about… and give them a hug…
I am so blessed to have had the chance to say what I wanted to say at a time when she could still hear me… we don’t always get that chance…

Please continue to pray for her comfort...
Please continue to pray for my ability to carry this...