Normal

The other day, I did my first endometrial biopsy with a polyp removal. It was a pretty cool procedure. I won’t go into details, because it’s likely to induce severe nausea and sympathy pain. But needless to say, it is not a simple snip and cut. It’s not the craziest procedure in the world, but it is also pretty significant. The procedure didn’t go so smoothly at first… there are a few variables when doing this. My patient was amazing. She handled the whole procedure with incredible grace and dignity. Afterwards, I sat and talked with her and discussed what to expect. She took it all in. Then she asked if she could ask some questions. I was expecting questions related to the procedure and her risk of having some kind of cancer. Instead, she embarrassedly said that she just was never able to ask anyone this, but wondered if she was normal… down there. To hear this initially, sounds like a joke or somehow inappropriate. But it was actually such a pure moment of vulnerability and innocence, that it took my breath away for a moment. It’s such a simple question. Am I normal? I think most of us on some level walk through this life with a sense of this at some point or another. We all just want to have a sense of normal.


I don’t think most people would know it, but for most of my life I have felt like an outsider. Part of this was due to the fact that I was a military brat and had to move so much. I went to 7 different schools growing up and moved 9 different times. I never had that lifetime best friend. I never felt rooted in a community or with a group of people. I had a younger sister growing up, but we were 5 years apart. This was before the time of the internet when staying in touch was made easier by email and facebook. So I was constantly re-establishing myself. I was always the new guy. I was always the guy on the outside trying to find a way in. And on some level, I am grateful for this experience, because I feel like it forced me out of my comfort zone and I have become very good at making conversation and making connections with new people. It’s how I became a “socialized” introvert. But the truth is… no matter how comfortable I got or how many friends I made… I still perpetually felt like I was on the outside being allowed in as a guest. And I don’t think that feeling has ever gone away.

I’ve been in Northern Virginia more years than anywhere else in my life. And this is where I would call home. I know an awful lot of people through all my years here. But I still constantly feel like an outsider. I still have that feeling of wishing I was part of the scenery, not the perpetual guest. I always feel like the friend that people may like and like having around. But not that core friend that is always part of the group. That sounds so high school, I know.

I know that a significant part of this is my own fault. I am constantly in flux. I grew up a military brat and then went on to an adulthood of nomadicism. All of my jobs before school have been stepping stones to medical school. Medical school was transient. Even residency has been transient, because I am temporarily living with my parents and who knows where I will be after graduation. My hours are limited. So even when I am free… I am free for brief stretches… and that often takes a perfect alignment of all of the stars to do something. And after a while… I think people tend to give up on you… because what’s the point? He’s always busy or too tired to do anything. It’s a frustrating cycle. But I still wish people would try harder with me. It’s a selfish, slightly childish statement… but being busy does not equal wanting to be left alone or ignored.

Mother Teresa said, “Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.”

It’s something that I think about a lot in the context of my life and my job. I think growing up the way I did… has made me super sensitive to anyone else out there who feels like an outsider or is striving to feel like part of the group… to feel… normal. My patient asking me that question made me realize something about myself as a doctor. It’s really important for me to put people at ease and feel welcome. So when I sit with my patients, it ends up being really important to me that they feel ok about what’s going on with them and feel that they are walking away with a sense of how things are going to evolve. It’s part of why teaching has always been important to me. I carry that feeling of being an outsider all of the time, and I know how much I wish I didn’t. So by extension… I really value being able to take that feeling away for others. Helping others understand their illness, making them feel at ease with their problems, making people feel cared for and listened to… all of that goes a long way towards making a person feel like a “normal” person… making a person feel that they are no longer on the outside looking in. In a lot of ways, I wish my life weren’t like this. I wish I could feel normal. But the truth is, I am also incredibly grateful to have the privilege of knowing that I am making others feel normal… even if I don’t feel normal myself.

Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.