The Darkness

I’ve had a rough 2 weeks.


It started with just being incredibly busy. I was working in the hospital taking care of our patients that were admitted. Our list of patients at Fairfax is usually 5-7 patients. Our week, it was 12-14. This is a significant difference. And it seemed like every day I was there, a new patient would need to be admitted the same morning I was there. Our patients were also very sick. It was an extremely stressful week.

Then about midway through the week… one of my patients died. It happened very suddenly. It happened very unexpectedly. It happened while I was there. And no matter what we did, we couldn’t bring him back.

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That’s all I want to say about that day.

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But, it’s been a pretty steep descent into darkness since then.

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As a physician, I think none of us is deluded enough to think that we are going to save everyone. Death is a reality of life. And I’m no stranger to it. I’ve seen my share of it. But this was different. It was different in many ways. I didn’t see it coming… on multiple levels… I really didn’t see this coming. I think it was also tough that I was directly involved in his care from beginning to end and that includes being involved in the attempts to bring him back.

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When something like this happens, I think you start mentally and emotionally killing yourself over and over again. Intellectually, you pore over everything trying to figure out what you missed. Even when you clearly didn’t miss anything and when you clearly didn’t do anything wrong, you feel this burden of unbelievable guilt. It’s not a logical thing. And no matter how much you pore over it and see how things unfolded and know in your head you did nothing wrong… you still feel sick. Everyone involved in the case and everyone who has heard about the case all walked away shocked because they couldn’t see this coming either. And I’ve heard multiple times that this wasn’t my fault. But still… it makes you sick.

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We all carry insecurities about ourselves… personally… and professionally. Something like this brings all of those out to the forefront… and begins an onslaught of psychological warfare on you.

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The hardest part is that time doesn’t stop to allow you to recover. You still have to go to work. You still have to take care of patients. You still have to talk and interact with people. There’s nowhere to hide. I was offered the opportunity to take time off... and I wish I could take like a month off to be honest… but I also know myself… and I know that if I took time off… I was not going to be able to come back. So you’re stuck in the open… exposed… and hurting… with nowhere to hide.

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You also find yourself in this weird catch-22. There’s a lot of outpouring of support. People really want to help. But a) you’re not sure what you need b) you don’t want to really be around people c) but you don’t really want to be alone. I wanted people to know that I was hurting… but I also wanted to kind of be treated like I was normal.

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I worry about how this is going to affect me in the long run.  Am I going to become the kind of doctor that I hate?  Am I going to be someone that orders everything even when it's not indicated just because I'm afraid that there's something lurking that I can't see coming?  I don't want to be that doctor.  It's like being a parent that never lets their kids out of the house because something bad happened once.  I'm afraid this is going to happen to me. 
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But as I write this... I know that I am getting better.  It’s taken me a few weeks… but I’m finally starting to do a little better emotionally. I don’t find myself feeling like I’m going to throw up every few minutes. I don’t find myself breaking down emotionally at odd times during the day. I’m functioning better though the day.

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But I am really exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. I can’t seem to fight through the fatigue.

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And I’m still not myself.

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I don’t feel like joking or laughing. I don’t feel particularly friendly.  I don't know when or if I'm going to be that person again. 

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I know I’ll get through this. I know that God is with me and always has been with me and always will be with me.

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But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m hurting… and it’s going to take me some time to come back from this.