Finally A New Update!

It's been a very long tme since I updated. It's July 1. In 4 days, I turn 37. In 17 days I finish my third year of medical school. I feel like there's so much to write about...

Some big things that have happened since I last wrote... I decided what I'm going to be when I grow up. Those that have known me the longest will know that I used to think I was going into ER... then Peds Oncology... and basically since I started med school I was certain I was going to be a Pediatric Hospitalist. But I have chosen none of the above. I'm going into Family Medicine. The fit was just so perfect that it actually caught me by complete surprise. There are a million reasons why Family Medicine is right for me. I've had a lot of people try to dissuade me... mostly because they somehow think that Family Medicine is somewhat beneath me... hahaha... little do they know... flattering yes... but please... The truth is... I'm not that into the specialties... The truth is... I treasure relationships, teaching, counseling, advising, and being able to know everything about everything... It's what makes me tick. It's the right fit. I am a Pediatrician at heart in so many ways. I love kids... and they love me. But I love being able to help parents be better parents. I love the fact that I can take what I enjoy doing outside of work and make it a part of work. Like I said... it's a perfect fit.

So with that in mind... I find myself in a cool situation... because the perfect residency for me... is at Fairfax Family Medicine... I get to go back to the hospital that I worked at as a Tech... only this time... I'll be an MD. As soon as I start residency... I can actually start seeing old friends as patients... I have a built-in practice already by virtue of the fact that I have an extensive network in Fairfax already. It's crazy to see how in one instant, God focused my heart on Family Medicine and everything automatically seemed to line up.

So... the great thing about Family Medicine is that my 4th year, when I do all my electives, will be filled with rotations that are very educational... but exceptionally chill. So... in 17 days... I'll be done with M3 year... and I'll follow that with 3 weeks of studying for the Boards... and I should be set... I'll have a year of relatively painless education.

And I really need it.

I am tired.

I'm more tired than I've been in quite some time.

I'm on Psychiatry right now. It is the rotation that I have dreaded all year. Psychiatry has always creeped me out. I hate being in close proximity to people with psychotic breaks or severe personality disorders. It truly bothers and shakes me. There are those that can talk for days about how funny and how interesting these cases are. But ultimately it bothers me because there's nothing I can do for them. Absolutely nothing. And I'm not used to being so guarded around people. I am usually an open book... and I usually pour out empathy and compassion and love... it's just who I am... In Psychiatry... I have to be a whole different person. And I hate that.

But I've done well so far... actively recruited to go into Psychiatry in fact... and I'm almost done... and I keep trying to remember that... it's really hard... it always seems like your last few steps to the finish line are the toughest.

I can't believe what I've endured this year. 80+hrs of work per week. Waking up at 4 am more times than I care to remember. 30 plus hours on at a time. Living off of nutrigrain bars as I go from one surgery to the next. Standing for 8 hrs holding open a surgical wound. Being yelled at by flaming a-hole residents. Watching completely incompetent doctors brush through a patient in order to get them out. Wanting to strangle fellow medical students for being either completely annoying or for being a complete jerk. I've passed all my Shelf Exams. I actually did well on some. I've gotten great remarks and comments on my evals. I've gotten a couple of high passes. I've delivered babies. I've stitched people up. I've been able to cut and bovie during surgeries. I've seen people die. I've seen people survive illnesses I never thought possible. I got to touch a human heart, lungs, kidney, liver, intestines, uterus, ovaries, and numerous blood vessels. I got to deliver a kidney to the operating table for transplantation. I convinced a person to stay in the hospital and not kill themselves. I met the Messiah (who happens to be a 45 year old white woman with dirty hair and fake seizures). I've done about 15 miles of walking in the hospital per day. Had families come back to the doctor's office and request me as their doctor. Prayed every morning over a baby that had been abused. I've had patients tell me that I made their day. I've had patients tell me that I'm already a good doctor. Survived being in the OR with Dr. Posner, Kaplan, and Matthews. Still managed to speak at CCF and Agape twice. Went to Servant's. Still went to SSCC Youth Retreat. Still held onto who I am.

I am really tired. I feel like I could sleep for weeks. I'm not healthy. I have been having migraines again for the first time in about 8 years. I wake up every morning feeling like someone beat my brain up overnight. I go to sleep every night hoping that a storm will take over Richmond and I won't have to go in. I feel very... lonely... I think it's just that feeling we get when we want some kind of physical solace or help. I think a lot about a dream I used to have... I would go walking into a house to find a woman waiting for me... and I would just go lay my head down on her lap and cry as she comforted me. I feel like that lately... Living by myself has been great... I wouldn't want a roommate and never really have... but times like this... I regret the fact that I'm not married or involved at the moment... because I would love to lean on someone right now... I know God's got me covered... I know I will bounce back. I'm just... tired. I miss my brother. I miss my sister. I wish they were here.

But 17 more days. I can do 17 more days in my sleep. I'll have a 3 day weekend soon. And before I know it... I'll be ecstatic at being done with school... even if I still need to study for my boards. I know I'll be alright. It's just hard right now.

I hope to catch everyone up on this past year with stories... This year has been tough but incredibly rewarding. I've had some incredible patient interactions. And I've also really connected with so many people. I feel like I have so many new younger brothers and sisters now. My parents are great. And I have felt God's presence in my life all year. I feel very blessed and loved.

As always... I'm glad to be able to share... I will write again soon.