Have You Got the Stones?

From The Washington Post:

At a recent White House reception for freshman members of Congress, Virginia's newest senator tried to avoid President Bush. Democrat James Webb declined to stand in a presidential receiving line or to have his picture taken with the man he had often criticized on the stump this fall. But it wasn't long before Bush found him.

"How's your boy?" Bush asked, referring to Webb's son, a Marine serving in Iraq.

"I'd like to get them out of Iraq, Mr. President," Webb responded, echoing a campaign theme.

"That's not what I asked you," Bush said. "How's your boy?"

"That's between me and my boy, Mr. President," Webb said coldly, ending the conversation on the State Floor of the East Wing of the White House.

You know... we could argue over whether or not this was an appropriate thing to do and whether or not one should be respectful of the office of the President regardless of who the person may be...

But it's politics... and I don't much care for politics... because in the end, I think it's a largely dishonorable profession...

But...

I have to say... Jim Webb's actions... impressed the hell out of me...

How often do we think or believe something, and yet not express what we truly think or believe? Granted, there are a MILLION reasons for NOT expressing what we truly think or believe. Most of the time, I'm glad people don't.

But when it comes to our convictions?

I would like to think that if I were in the same situation, I would do the same. Because I truly am disgusted with what's happening in Iraq. Not just for our troops, but for the Iraqi's themselves.

But if I were in a situation where I were to meet the President? Would I have the stones to say what I feel?

I hate politicians and their doublespeak and their spin. I hate when people try to talk around stuff.

But would I be able to confront them with this?

I think about this... not because I think I have a chance of meeting the President. But rather... how this applies to other aspects of our lives.

We talk about ethical issues and moral dilemmas and right and wrong in the world of Medicine all of the time... We pass judgement (whether we mean to or not) on other Physicians based on decisions or perceived lack of caring or choices that appear to be selfish. When we hear about a physician that makes a hasty decision based on the fact that they are trying to leave work on time... we cluck our tongues and shake our heads. We go into Oprah mode and bemoan the lack of caring doctors in the world. And we make a personal vow to NEVER make the same kinds of mistakes.

But there's a great line from Season 1 of The Wire... where Avon Barksdale a major Drug Lord is sitting with his Vegetative Dad who had been shot in the head many many years ago. And he says, "This is the Game. You always have to be on your toes. You can't never let up. You've got to be perfect all the time... But how're you gonna be perfect ALL THE TIME? How're you gonna never be slow.? How're you gonna never slip up?"

And there it is.

That's the fight.

For all of us.

During those times in the hospital, when you are trying to leave work ON time to get to your child's recital ON time, because you've missed the last 10... are you going to be able to stop yourself, take a deep breath, and say... "this last patient needs my full attention... even if it's just for a minute."

I wonder about this a lot in relation to my students. I teach High School boys in Sunday School. And we talk about a lot of complicated stuff. And we have really great, animated, (occasionally tangential) discussions about being Christian in a non-Christian environment. And ultimately, we always end up saying the right things. Because we KNOW, what the right thing to do is.

But what I worry about with them... and what I worry about with myself...

When faced with having to do the right thing... Have we got the stones?

I hope we do.

I really do.

"So how's school?"

I must hear this question about 20 to 30 times a week. It's understandable. It's the obvious question. Clearly, everyone knows that school occupies 80% of the physical time and space of my life... But whenever I hear this question... I am always thinking... if you only knew...

So here's the truth...

2nd year of Medical School can often be the loneliest time in a Medical Student's life...

1st year of Medical School, there is the newness, the excitement, the getting to know everyone. There is also often the cushion of studying things many of us have studied before.

3rd & 4th year, you are in the Hospital interacting with residents, doctors, nurses, other students, and patients.

But 2nd year...

The material in 2nd year is infinitely more interesting. You learn about what happens when things go wrong in the body. It is indescribably cool. But the thing is... there are a LOT of things that can go wrong. A LOT of things. And most of it is new. And most of it requires more than just understanding the material. 2nd year is focused on getting you ready for the most painful academic test imagineable. Step 1 of the United States Medical Licensure Examination (Boards). Boards are an 8 hour day made up of 7 hours of a computerized exam of 350 multiple choice questions and 1 hour of break time that you may use at your discretion. If you do the math, that means, you have about 1 minute to read a scenario, assess the situation, and answer a question. So part of 2nd year is getting you to the point where you are getting pushed to know material and answer questions quicker and quicker.

So the studying that goes into preparing for all of our exams is a lot more intense. Basically, after lectures, labs, small groups, and various extracurricular activities, all of our time is focused on studying. For guys with ADD issues like I do, that means keeping yourself away from social situations and holing up at the local seminary library or in my study room in my apartment.

The end result... you spend most of your day not talking to anyone.

It's just you... and a gigantic notebook of lecture notes.

And at the end of the day... you realize how much you yearn for human contact that doesn't involve taking a history or doing a physical exam.

So I was home for Thanksgiving... and I realized I was completely out of touch with anyone I used to talk to or spend time with before Medical School.

And I realized what a complete mess it is to be a 2nd year Med Student, because... you're out of sync with old friends... and you're current friends are all in the same pickle that you are and need to be left alone to be buried in isolation, too.

The end result... I'm lonelier than I've been in a very long time... and the crazy part of it is... I'm lonely even though I KNOW a million people... I'm lonely even though I'm surrounded by thousands of people every day... I'm lonely even though I KNOW everyone in my class... I'm lonely even though I can strike up a conversation with anyone on campus... I'm lonely even though I have LOTS of friends... Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm lonely.

It's so strange.

The good news?

It's only 6 more months.

It's for a GREAT cause.

In the end, the things I'll get to do are indescribably cool.

So, I bury my head. And I keep going.

But just so you know... how's school?... though I love being here... and I'm so overwhelming grateful to have this opportunity... the truth of the matter is... school kind of sucks right now.

Things I Miss From My Life Before Med School...

Having days off...

Getting coffee and then having nothing to do but walk through Office Depot and look at cool stuff...

Waking up before the rest of the world does and taking pictures...

Watching home DVD marathons of The Sopranos or The Wire or The West Wing or ER or Freaks and Geeks...

Playing golf...

Playing with the kids on Hem/Onc...

Talking to the teens on Hem/Onc...

Flirting with the nurses...

Flirting with the Child Life Staff...

Flirting with the Residents...

Flirting with the Houskeeping Staff...

Eating meals in restaurants...

Drawing...

Talking about movies with my friend, Pink Snow...

Exchanging emails with Chass...

Writing letters to Michelle L...

Getting Teen magazines for Michelle O...

Playing Hide & Seek with Ethan...

Playing Mario Kart with Tesfu...

Giving Henok & Berhane a hug in the mornings...

Learning how to say "Stinker" in Eritrean...

Cooking...

Playing Super Street Fighter Alpha 2...

Watching the World Series of Poker over and over...

Being able to enjoy being in my apartment by myself...

Having human contact...

For those who don't know....

I am in my 2nd year of Medical School here at the Medical College of Virginia in Richmond.

I feel like I've lost touch with so many people and so many don't know what my life is like anymore... So I'm starting this blog to regain some control of that...

Under the Links section, I've added some links to some articles about me.

I promise to write more...

KL

So I guess it begins...

I've toyed with the idea of having a blog for the last few years...

Never seemed to know when was the right time to start using it...

But lately I feel so disconnected...

And I feel like I have so many different thoughts...

It just seemed time...

Welcome to The Kevin Lee Show.